What Good is the Freedom of Speech, If We Don't Use It?

As many of you may have noticed, I have become the Facebook junkie of late and I will take that title with honor. I don’t get to share a lot of my life with my kids right now, so my biggest motivation for keeping this up and actually blogging again is the hope that one day, several years from now, I may be able to share as much of my life now with them. Other than that, I do it for myself and my friends, and I hope to really improve a lot of my relationships with friends that have been really true friends to me in the hardest times of my life. Thank all of you that have been a part of my life, for all the great times, for the encouragement or couch when needed, and just for making the scenery of my life anything but dull! I hope through posts like this one, you will get a better understanding of what makes me tick and see a little deeper into the quiet guy that takes such a long time to open up.

I have tried blogs in the past and never really had the opportunity to keep them up. This nifty little app is right here when I want to dish out some Dr Phil for my friends and perhaps gives others a better understanding of who I am and what I think about this world. In a last stand against my own procrastination, here I go again.

On January 3^rd of 2007, I started working at Best Smokes Tobacco Outlets in Alexandria, VA where I worked in 2003-2004. I was rehired as Store Manager for both of their locations and I got to work with some special people. One was a guy named Robert Buckles and another was a guy named Ryan. Two very different men, both of which I developed friendships with. Little did I know back then what an instrumental role those four months back at Best Smokes would have on me as a person.

I realize that those of you that read this journal entry, may know me quite well or may not know me at all. Therefore, I am trying to start back where it started, to help all of you better understand the person I am today.

In the months that the three of us worked together, I kind of became prompted to start studying others, looking them in their eyes when I talk to them, and listening to not only their words but their body language. I have spent most of my adult life being told by some of the closest people to me that I am selfish and inconsiderate, and I never really understood why. I am sure all of you know the people that are constantly on a really big high or down deep in the dumps. They always have something to complain about or ‘their world is falling apart’. They are really just consumed in their minds with their own problems and their own life, which leaves little time for others. Buckles became the example to show me a reflection of myself and one of the biggest things I needed to truly change about myself. Ryan was the observer type, always reading people and at the same time seeming to get even further in his own life, while not being a selfish person. It took several weeks for me to really begin to grasp an understanding of this principle and it continues to be a constant aim to improve on a daily basis.

I have been through plenty of my own personal troubles the last 11 years of my life and last year had its high and low tides. Hey even for a time I think there was no tide at all. I seem to be spending this year of my life, comparing where I am today to where I was a year ago today. Thankfully, I can say that I am much better off today than I was last year.

So now I have turned 30 and all the stuff that has spent many months inside my head, I am hoping to share it here, more for my own benefit than anyone else. I hope you can find parts of it that encourage you and that it may give you a better understanding of the guy that doesn’t really share that much about himself with others.

Ryan and I have become pretty good friends since that time working together, playing chess in the store, laughing at the dumb things people say without even thinking. Last summer when, I was at the rocky bottom – yeah I’d say those couple of weeks being homeless – he was the friend that gave me a couch to sleep on and even told me to stick around when I lost my job, my car, and all my possessions. I can’t thank him enough for being a true friend and will keep on trying to kick his cracker ass in Madden.

So here I am, just celebrated my 30^th birthday this week, I have two great jobs that I love to go to, splitting a basement apartment with the above named Ryan, and have begun to re-establish a regular and consistent relationship with my three girls. I moved to my new pad the end of February, got my new SS card, birth certificate, reinstated my VA driver’s lic, and even got registered to vote at my current address. As you can see by my photo albums, I took the last $400 of my tax return and went to Florida for a week. When I got back I drove my brother’s truck from VA to Hartford, CT for him, spent St Patty’s day with my irish brothers, and then went on to visit my girls in NH with my brother Mark. That couple weeks of travel accomplished a lot for me personally in so many ways. I want to thank Brian for letting me ride to Florida with him, driving me the further hour to Clearwater, the helicopter tour and the ride back home as well. I thank Mark for taking me up and down the northern half of the eastern seaboard. I got to see my girls for the first time in almost a year, and recovered all my belongings that have been in storage at my grandmother’s house in Maine for 2 and 5+ years.

Now I am back in VA and working as much as I can, saving for a car and trying to work through the messes I have left in my life the last 10 years. I found that the last month of travel and work has given me a lot of clarity, a new love for life and hope for the goals I know have for my life. So the main purpose of this journal entry is to share these things that I have found clarity about in my life, share them with those that are interested, and have a chance to look back at these words when I am 40 and probably chuckle the same way I have been chuckling at the things I penned in notebooks back when I was 20.

Ryan is an artist and has been given a great talent that he continues to hone and improve more with each passing month. He suffered from spinal meningitis at the age of 3 and as a result lost hearing in both of his ears. Instead of letting that hinder him in his life, he has embraced it as a gift and uses that gift more than most of us with all of our senses use our own.

While working with Ryan last year, he often sketched in these notebooks and wrote notes about different things he was trying to produce. I got the opportunity to see and read these things from time to time and being raised very strict Baptist as a child and struggling to understand the true God in my adult life, one of his pages of random writing proposed so many questions that I was eager to answer. I believe this very page and the things said on it, have shaped me and molded me this last year. I have often found myself going back to them and reevaluating my answers to them. So enjoy, feel free to think these words through. Have you ever had these same thoughts? How would you respond to the questions?

Life: The Game (as in chess) and How Did It Start?

How can you believe in anything if you only heard it and never seen “it”, to believe it? Why do you choose to believe or not? If ‘nothing’ or if something made a ‘believer’ out of you, what impact does it have to your mind?

What makes people to know in order to believe? I have many ideas or theories.

What if I told you that I don’t believe in God? Are you going to be offended? Shocked? Or that’s okay? What if, He’s not white? What if the writings of God was/is the greatest story/fact/myth ever told?

Everybody knows God with or without reading or “hearing” about God. How the fuck is that?

How can you believe in anything if you [have] only heard it and never seen “it”, to believe it?
At some point, based on ones own life from childhood to adulthood, we all put our faith in something. Whether it is a god, a creator, a religion or nothing at all. Faith is simply belief in something or someone beyond human comprehension, something unseen and each of us has the ability to choose for ourselves what we have faith in. I don’t really put much worry into what others choose to put their faith in because if you can put faith in it, you can debate about it till the day you die and you won’t know that your faith is right or wrong until we pass onto the next life. So to debate the right and wrong of another person’s faith and or unfaith, is really a waste of time to me and profits or betters neither party. I am responsible for my own faith and you are the only one responsible for your own.

Why do you choose to believe or not? If ‘nothing’ or if something made a ‘believer’ out of you, what impact does it have to your mind?
I was raised in a very strict, abusive but yet ‘Christian’ Baptist home. I was engrained with the Bible and my father’s doctrine and theology for the first 18 years of my life. I saw and was witness to such immense hypocrisy from my father, that I received a very warped and marred image of God my creator. I have spent literally the last 12 years trying to really understand my own beliefs, sort through the rubbish, and come to a peace about what I personally believe, put my faith in and build my life upon. The 18 years growing up, and the following 10 years of being married to the love of my life, two divorces with her and three wonderful little girls, and the utter depression that has stolen 2 year blocks of my life through those divorces have had tremendous bearing on my mind, my life philosophy and my plans for my future.

What makes people to know in order to believe? I have many ideas or theories.
It can be anything and the same thing that makes one person believe, can be the same thing that makes another not believe. I know what I believe and I have several things that have made me understand where my faith is placed. I do believe I was created by God, a loving God. I believe that the Bible (whatever version of it works for you) is my communication from Him through men to guide me in this life. It is not my responsibility to make every other person I meet, accept the Bible. I just know that it works for me. Furthermore, over many years of questioning the basis of all I was ever taught, I think it is nature or creation itself that is the greatest testament to me of a Creator, so that even if there were no Bible, I would still know that something made everything for me to enjoy and if something did make it, one day I would meet that Maker. Also, some study of modern day archeology and many things that have been unearthed in the last 75 years that have given evidence that those stories in the Old Testament actually happened thousands of years ago, further solidify my belief in God. The rest is really just pure faith, which was deduced from those influences and my own life experiences. I actually enjoy hearing others talk of their own beliefs, faith, outlook on life in general, and not just to debate the facts with them but to enlarge my own understanding of the world in which I live.

What if I told you that I don’t believe in God? Are you going to be offended? Shocked? Or that’s okay? What if, He’s not white? What if the writings of God was/is the greatest story/fact/myth ever told?
What if I told you I did believe in God? Are you going to be offended? Shocked? Or is that okay? What if the only human skin He ever had was Olive toned? Does it really make a difference when every man bleeds red? What if the writings of God or His people are the greatest story/fact/myth ever told?
Whether you believe in God or not, it is okay with me. We all have the gift and the right to choose our own way in life. It will not shock me either way, and if I woke up tomorrow and found out that God was a myth, I do not feel I would have lost anything in my life by putting my faith in Him.

Destiny? Birth, Live (a life), Death

What are we all living for?

What’s the one thing we all do right now? Work-Eat-Shit-Taxes-Die, besides that?

What about our eyes, our minds? The way we see things, which can also create our vision, or visions? Our minds are more valuable than anything, and as always, some are more valuable than “others”. Who the fuck is the judge of the others?

Who speaks of that in our head? “Subconscious” mind? (If that’s what it’s called?)

How do I know that ‘I’ didn’t say that and not some other voice? But in any case it’s always a choice… one after another.

What are we all living for?
Well, based on my previous statements, I believe very simply that the reasons we live are to first bring glory to the Creator in our lives, to love others as we love ourselves and ultimately to leave the earth with more than we came into it with – Procreation.

What’s the one thing we all do right now? Work-Eat-Shit-Taxes-Die, besides that?
We constantly make choices and decisions that eventually and always affect many more than just ourselves in the world. A good example of what I mean by this is the movie called “Crash”, and it is why that movie is one of my favorites. If we could all realize the enormous effects of even the most menial actions of our day to day lives, maybe we would be and do more for others – especially strangers.

What about our eyes, our minds? The way we see things, that can also create our vision, or visions? Our minds are more valuable than anything, and as always, some are more valuable than “others”. Who the fuck is the judge of the others?
Our life vision is shaped by our lives to this point and is constantly being tweaked with each new day and event. Our human mind is unique and its power was never given to any other creature. It is vast in its abilities and yet we rarely use any significant portion of it in a lifetime. The only judge of the minds is the only One who can see them for what they are. Why should you not pass judgment on other people for the choices they make, because you don’t have any way of truly knowing that person’s mind, their heart or the events that have shaped them. So who the fuck is the judge? All I can say is that thankfully, it is not I.

Who speaks of that in our head? “Subconscious” mind? (If that’s what it’s called?)
How do I know that ‘I’ didn’t say that and not some other voice? But in any case it’s always a choice… one after another.
The consciousness and sub-consciousness of the human mind. Where do any of our thoughts come from? Science continues to try and understand the miracle of the human mind and they can compare small parts of it with various animals, but the fact is our brain and mind function is ultimately unique, superior to that of any animal and we will never understand and comprehend its full glory. Our dreams and visions in our sleep are unique to the dreamer and if they are watching it, did they author it as well? I have a lot more personal thoughts on dreams, visions, dejavues and other like minded topics that I will save for some other day. In any case, we always have the choice to make what we will of our visions and either use them or lose them.

Right vs. Wrong: Black vs. White – Good vs. Evil

Who speaks of the ‘right’ & ‘wrong’ in this world? It’s like there were rules that are not allowed to be broken. There’s always a certain way to live.
I can be wrong here at the only spot on earth, but another human can/will tell me different in another part of the world. – “That’s right,” another says.
Shouldn’t we both be confused?! The battle of minds going at it. “We’ll make this right/better, one way or another”
How come its okay ‘here’ but not ‘there’?
The world is abundant with various philosophies of what is right and wrong, where right and wrong came from and why a particular belief system is superior to others. I am not here to argue your morals, principles, lifestyle or life philosophy. I know my own and that is all I believe that I have the right to determine based on my own life experience and the provisions given to me in life. I do believe there is right and wrong, cop and robber, life and death, black and white, good and bad, etc. I base most of my decisions of what is right and wrong on the principles of the Bible. But yes so many ‘Christians’ are so caught up in pointing out the ‘wrong’ and ‘sin’ in the world, but they never actually live the ‘right’ that they so profusely proclaim in their own little world. This does nothing but breed confusion and conflict amongst people that have done nothing to provoke it upon themselves. I can only do my part to make things right in the part of the world I live, and seek to reach as much of the known world in whatever opportunities come along my way. Whether it is as little as stopping my complaints against random litter bugs and just picking up trash when I see it, or as big as being one that can be a true friend to any person that enters my life. I want my life to become one that is an encouragement to all people, not just those that believe exactly the way I believe.

It’s one way to live, and [another] to tell the “others” [how to live]

THIS IS “THE GAME”

How have you been playing the Game? How can you play it better? How can you actually assist others around you as they play their Game?

Welcome to my life as I view “The Game”. As you may like it or not, but this is a feeling. Anything is possible, as I’ve grown with a passion of Hate or Love. I will do you Right and Wrong. I hate the things I can not do in my own world.

Out of thoughts… continue later.

5-17-2006 by Ryan Witter

1 Cor 9

Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

The Apostle Paul aka Saul of Tarsus: Written to the judgmental and self righteous Christians in the city of Corinth approx 50-80 AD

Feel free to leave a comment of any kind, all are welcome and I hope for some comments that offer more insight on these points. Thanks and have a great week!

Peace,

Phil Ireland

September 3, 2006 – April 7, 2008

Phil would like to thank:

Wade and Lisa, all my DCWake friends, Ryan Witter, Bobbie Buckles, Nadeem, Luda Chris, Chablis, Venture, PJ aka Big Dawg, Skillet “Comatose”, My Chemical Romance “The Black Parade”, Kids in the Way “Apparitions of Melody”, Anberlin “Cities”, “The North Face of God”, “The Sins of the Family”, Demon Hunter and all my old DH Forum peeps, Jake Irving, Sarah Tsang, Chris Mattox, Devil’s Accuser “Eyes of Fire”, the Zebra, Mawk, Venture, Mike Matheson, Eric Robertson, IBC, and any one that I have missed in this short list – for just being real and who you are! Thanks to God for always traveling with me!