Tuesday - July 15, 2008

There is a lot that I want to share about myself with those that care to learn more about me, and ultimately, as it true with any person on earth, I cant share it all at once, but will seek to the best I can as I am able and feel led to. I am about 12 years into my 'adult' life and a good 10 years of that was mostly spent trying to survive, hold on to the things I loved, and ultimately learning how to live and interact with the world around me. The latter of which I never really received much help with in the upbringing I was given. I have many friends in my life and am thankful for each of them and hope I grow to be the friend they need me to be for them, as they have been for me. They are scattered all over the globe, some have known me pretty well at different times in my life and others I have never met in person. I have been through a lot of junk in my life, some as a result of my environment and most as a result of my own actions. I erected walls around myself at such an early age, that unwittingly I eventually built them so high and thick that I isolated myself from everyone, at least in some way shape or form. The last two years have been as traumatic and troubled as any before them but at the same time they have finally brought me to the place where I have found peace and understanding about my past, my failures, the purpose for my life, and how I can begin to give back to the ones I love, have loved me and those that I encounter that are so in need of genuine love. I look to the future with hope, have found a rekindling of my life's dream and began to see pieces of a picture so beautiful I can't believe that it will be my life. My road to this point has been long and often seemed unending to me, full of the highest ups and the lowest lows of life, and no matter what my future is I know that all I have been through and put myself through has been to make me a better person and equip me for the future.

This post is more of an introduction to what will come and I have thought carefully for some months now on how to address something so personal to so many different people. I don't know how many people that I know will actually follow this story, but my friends are not the main purpose for me sharing these thoughts and looks at my life. I have three wonderful and precious little girls that will one day need answers that I don't want to forget by then and this is the best way for me to share my past, my months of reflection on it and how I have become who I am today in spite of it all, and for those closest to me, what I hope to become in my life.

I grew up in a very strict, yet untypical, Baptist home. I was born into 'Christianity' just as anyone else is raised Catholic, Muslim, Methodist, Atheist, etc. Today, so many years later, I am a very 'spiritual' person, I know my own faith and try to add to it as I live my own life. I have friends from all walks of life – from pastors to people that have no faith at all and literally anywhere in between. If I have forsaken the Baptist title, it is because I don't want to limit my own life to friends that have to agree with every Biblical opinion I have or else I have nothing to befriend them for. That is the 'baptist' way I was taught and the heresy that I reject. It is not Christ-like, it is not Biblical and further it is not right for me in my life. So to my friends that obviously differ from me in spiritual beliefs, please understand the things spoken here are from my soul and not meant to offend, belittle or disrespect any of you in any way. I do not wish to argue doctrine, theology or religion with anyone, especially my friends, but I am who I am and just know that if you find something here that to you seems personally offensive you will share it with me and let me clarify what may have been stated carelessly. Each and every one of you have influenced my faith more than you will even know, and for that alone I treasure the relationships I have with you.

At the very core, I will state for the record (and more for the religious readers) that I believe in God, the creator of the universe. If you don't believe that I will not, tell you that you are wrong and I hope I never make you feel that I look down on you or think I am better than you because of my beliefs. Further, I do believe the Bible to be the Creator's message to his creation. I am not so naive as to believe that it is the only source of hearing from God, but I have it and I do believe it to be true. My belief has been shaped over many years – begun by childhood faith and in progress by ultimate unbelief in my adult life. Beyond those two things, I can argue, debate, discuss which religion is right, which is wrong, what is sin and what is not for as long as there is time. What does it actually gain for the kingdom of heaven here on earth? I have reached rather unconventional beliefs in my own life, but honestly what does arguing, condemning another, or judging others ever profit me? The Bible says, “To him that knoweth to do right and doeth it not, to HIM it is sin.” It doesn't say that it is sin to the rest of the world. It does say, "Do not judge, lest ye yourself be judged.” I honestly seek to live a life that does not judge others and of late I have found it harder to refrain from judging 'christians' than non-christians. Yep, he's still workin on me too.

Anyway, with all that said, I believe it is a foundation for what I will seek to share about myself in the future. I am no longer satisfied continuing to live an isolated life, it is lonely and the more friends have shared with me over the years, the more guilt I have felt for not sharing more with them about the mystery that surrounds what I came to call the Silent Fewl. I tagged myself the Silent Fewl a couple years back because there is an old proverb that says something like a fool in his silence is wise. If I wanted to actually be a 'wise' person, I needed to be silent as a fool, learn the real truth and live it, before I could ever begin to speak and not still make myself a fool. This does not mean that I think I am wise now, it is more that I have reached a place where I need to start organizing my life and remember clearly the lessons of my past failures, so I can have hope that my future will not be the same.

So lets just say that the Silent Fewl is typing, not silent but not speaking either...

...perhaps just silencing a little louder than before.

Thanks for being my friends and unil the next post,

Peace! :)

"Where are you supposed to be?"
I have had my little brothers dog, Fonzi with me for the last couple weeks. I picked her up on my last roadtrip to help my brother out while he gets settled back in Hartford with a new job, new apt, his gf and baby. Fonzi was costing too much to keep where he was and he needed to find someone to take her for a few weeks or give her back to the shelter where he got her. If she went back to the shelter, she would have been put down and knowing how special of a dog she is, I had to do what I could to save her. So here she is and we have been getting along for the most part.
Her original owner trained her very very well and she is a kind, obedient and very smart pooch. My brother Mark also does very well in caring for and continuing to train her, so I have been doing my best to identify and sustain the training she has had and build on it. My schedule with work is hectic and some days when I get home I don't necessarily like having to take her out for a walk and exercise, but it is always fun to play with her.
I have been trying to get her to walk beside and behind me on the sidewalks and not keep running ahead. We had long walk the night before last and I specifically was working with her to stay close and walk with me, and it was as much constant work as anything fun. But in the end she is doing much better and I find some satisfaction in her minding without the restraint of a leash stretched to the max.
I say all this to say, that yesterday I noticed that when I say "Where are you supposed to be?" She immediately sits, heels, chills whatever it is I have told her to do or where she knows already to be - by my side, i.e. So this morning I walked her down to my Bucks for my coffee and was thinking on the way home, how much I am just like her while walking with the Spirit in my own life.
So often, I want to run ahead and not be patient, just walking in peace with the one who is with me. I get so easily distracted by the scent of another's success or the sign of a new relationship, and run off the sidewalk or out in the street without stopping first. There are so many analgies down this trail of thought and I can not possibly share them all, but this morning Fonzi actually stopped and sat down at the curb, waiting for me to give the all clear to cross, without me having to say, "SIT... SIT... WHERE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?" I was so happy to see her behaving as I have been training her to and quickly gave her the 'good girl' praise speech and rub down after we crossed the intersection. She loves getting the love...
... and there is nothing better than getting His love when I find myself doing what he wants me to do, without him having to tell me for the hundreth time!
Have a great memorial day and I hope you get sunshine wherever you happen to be!
Thanks to all the Vets! Its Rolling Thunder time so c'mon... LET'S ROLL!!!